Brotherhood
by blondie AKA robin
Summary: The Cullen boys go hunting. Jasper can't stop quoting the Princess Bride, Emmett can't stop quoting Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and Edward, rather put out, responds with Shakespeare. Hilarity ensues! Cowritten with the awesomely funny LindaRoo!
1. Much Ado About Lancelot and Buttercup

_**Authors' Note:**_

_Dear Roo,  
I have a idea for a crackfic that I would like you to write. What if, on one of the Cullen boys' hunting trips, they started quoting funny movie lines to each other? I have some ideas...  
Interested?  
blondie_

_Dear Blondie,  
Movie quotes? You mean...like they'll be quoting Princess Bride and Monty Python and the Holy Grail back and forth to each other...like WE do all day long?  
Roo_

_Dear Roo,  
"Are you kidding? Fencing. Fighting. Torture. Revenge. Giants. Monsters. Chases. Escapes. True love. Miracles." Hee hee hee…  
Exactly what I had in mind. I've got a little seed of an idea, would you like to see? You can surely make it much better…  
blondie_

_Blondie,  
Dude! This is HILRIOUS! All of Edward's lines are Shakespeare! All Emmett's are Monty Python and the Holy Grail! All Jasper's are from the Princess Bride! LOL. Okay. Lemme add some jokes. Hee hee…enough jokes to double the length of the document.  
Roo_

_Roo,  
"As… you… wish…"  
blondie_

_**And thus began the gripping tale you are about to experience…**_

_BTW: A little housekeeping…this hunting trip takes place between New Moon and Eclipse, and this first chapter is from Edward's point of view._

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Brotherhood: Much Ado About Lancelot and Buttercup  
by LindaRoo and blondieAKArobin

_Edward's POV_

Emmett's hair blew wildly in the wind, as the scenery flew by at 130 MPH. He was hanging his head (and a good portion of his oversized torso) out of the open passenger seat window, taking in the mountain air like a rambunctious boxer puppy. When he finally pulled himself back into the car, his hair had fluffed to afronomical proportions. He looked like a cross between Andre the Giant and a bewigged court jester. _Like a puff'd and reckless libertine, _I thought wryly. _Each particular hair to stand on end, like quills upon the fretful porcupine._

_Do we really have to avoid bears with cubs? _Emmett thought sourly, rolling up his window.

"Do we _really_ have to avoid bears with cubs?" Emmett asked sourly, half a second later.

_Imbecile, _Jasper thought, irritated. But unlike Emmett, he rarely said exactly what was on his mind.

"You know we do," Jasper answered. I smirked.

"You've asked that question every spring for the last fifty years," I said mockingly. "When are you going to learn that the answer is _always _going to be no?"

Emmett glared at me from the passenger seat. _But you know there's nothing fiercer than a protective mommy bear,_ he thought.

"But you know there's nothing fiercer than a protective mommy bear," he said, a hint of longing in his voice. In his mind he was imagining the fight such an angry bear would put up. "Rarrr….rarr…rarrr!" He clawed the air with his hands, then shifted his glance to me, making puppy dog eyes that would have put Jacob Black to shame. "Can we _please? _Please please please?"

"No."

"Come on! Would Carlisle _really _mind all that much?"

"Of course he would," I replied sternly. "The wasting of the Earth's finite natural resources is always a concern."

_I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper!_ Emmett thought.

"I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper!" He said loudly.

I rolled my eyes. One of Emmett's favorite things was to quote completely idiotic movie lines just to irk me.

"I give up. Which movie was that, Emmett?" I asked in a bored voice.

"Monty Python and the Holy Grail," he said brightly, his goofy grin now wide. "Greatest movie ever made!"

_Holy my eye_, I thought. _Well, two can play this game_…

"Why, he is the prince's jester: a very dull fool; only his gift is in devising impossible slanders: none but libertines delight in him; and the commendation is not in his wit, but in his villany; for he both pleases men and angers them, and then they laugh at him and beat him," I said, flawlessly quoting Shakespeare. I heard both Jasper and Emmett groan and smiled at my cleverness.

"I don't think that means what you think it means," Jasper said, in a perfect imitation of Inigo Montoya. I sighed – now they were both doing it…

"Wilt thou provoke me? Then have at thee, boy!" I snapped.

Emmett immediately replied, "No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!" in the worst French accent every heard.

"O horrible, oh horrible, most horrible," I muttered.

"Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let's not bicker and argue," Emmett said.

"Your words go up, but your thoughts remain below. Words without thoughts never to heaven go," I said, in a singsong voice.

"Stop rhyming! I mean it!" yelled Jasper.

"Does anybody want a peanut?" The two of us yelled back, unable to help ourselves. There was silence for a moment, followed by raucous laughter.

"That's enough, boys," I said.

"Yes mommy," Emmett said.

The scenery changed drastically as we began to gain altitude. The deciduous trees became fewer and the towering pines grew more frequent. The road wound tightly as we passed scenic turn out after scenic turn out. The breathtaking panorama of McCall Basin was spread across our view as we wound through the mountains, and bloodlust rampaged across Jasper's hungry thoughts, as he looked forward to killing the elk that we suspected would be gathering near the Tieton river at nightfall. Finally we reached our destination – Goat Rocks State Wilderness.

"Let's go," I said impatiently. This didn't need to be a drawn out trip.

"Can't stand to be away from her at all, now? Boy do you have it bad…" Emmett muttered.

"In mine eye she is the sweetest lady that ever I looked on," I sighed.

Emmett slapped his forehead in frustration. He could think of no appropriate comeback from his favorite movie.

"I love Bella: forty thousand brothers could not, in all their quantity of love, make up my sum,"I said. Emmett grinned wickedly.

"Then you must spank her! Yes! You must give her a good spanking! And after the spanking, the oral sex!" He made humping motions in the air, like he was riding a bucking bronco. I made a face at him.

"Get thee to a nunnery: why wouldst thou be a breeder of sinners?" I snarled, indignant.

"Help! Help! I'm being repressed!" Emmett cried, covering his crotch with his hands.

"And wove, twue wove, wiww fowwow you fowevah…" Jasper crooned. I gave him a shove. "I think Bella has a spell on him, Emmett," he said laughing.

"We have found a witch. May we burn her?" Emmett asked, and received a shove of his own.

"What makes you think she is a witch?" Jasper said as his lips twitched.

"Well, she turned me into a newt," Emmett replied, thick with a British accent.

"A NEWT?" I shouted.

"I got better," Emmett choked out, and then he and Jasper were rolling in the grass laughing.

I sighed. We would never hunt if they kept on with this ridiculous torture. "Okay, you win. So are we going to hunt or not?" I said.

Both of them controlled their joviality and rose eagerly. "Who's going first this time?" I asked.

"Let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed," Emmett cried, jumping up.

"Death first!!" Jasper shouted. "You started last time – besides," he glanced at me, "YOU KNOW WHAT A HURRY WE'RE IN!"

I could tell this was going to be a very long day. Emmett's competitive side was surfacing, though, so there was hope.

"You really think you can find a bear faster than me?" he growled at Jasper.

"There is no greater hunter… **I** can track a falcon on a cloudy day. I can find a bear." Jasper now looked at me.

"A victory is twice itself when the achiever brings home full numbers. The honor is your, Jasper." Finally we might actually get started…

Emmett growled again, but then relented. "Are you ready then?" Jasper nodded. "One… two… five"

"Three, sir," Jasper replied immediately.

"Three," Emmett boomed, and Jasper ran off at break-neck speed. Emmett raced after him, and I plopped myself down on a rock, watching the two of them tear down the mountainside. They reached the valley in seconds, but the conversation had made me lose my appetite. Emmett's jab at my sex life (or lack thereof) had hit home.

I pulled my t-shirt off and held my hand out in front of me, letting the blinding sunlight bounce off of my iridescent skin. Once or twice a day (okay…once or twice a _minute_) Emmett seemed to get a kick out of suggesting that the only reason I was unwilling to turn Bella into a vampire was that I was afraid of losing my virginity, and that once she was no longer fragile, my excuse would be gone. Idiot. Didn't he realize that there was a lot more at stake? Morally? Spiritually?

No. Of course he didn't realize it. He scoffed at my notions of damnation. "You call being married to Rosalie damnation?" he's once said, incredulously. I smiled, remembering. _Well…I actually WOULD consider that damnation, but that's beside the point. _

This everlasting life…this sleepless eternity. Why would Bella wish for this? To roam the earth forever, without rest? Till nothing thrilled anymore, till there was nothing new under the sun, till all her days grew weary, stretched, and thin. Thirsting…always thirsting…waiting for relief that never came…

_To die, to sleep no more_, I thought, longing for the peaceful drifting that I could never share in Bella's bed. Could I condemn her to this existence with me?

_And by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache, and the thousand natural shocks that_ _flesh is heir to…_

That was, of course, the benefit she could gain from the transformation. This continual danger that she seemed to attract would finally end. Her human pain and suffering would come to an end. But it seemed like a poor excuse…trading an eternity in heaven for the unending drudgery of this broken world? Until jaded, she resented me?

_To sleep, perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub; for in this sleep of death what dreams may come, when she has shuffled off her mortal coil?_

She was infatuated with me, with the raging hormones of an eighteen year old. Rash, unthinking, passionate girl. Couldn't she see how foolish her choice was?

_The calamity of so long a life… who would bear the whips and scorns of time? _

I rolled onto my back, agonized at how wrong it was that she insisted on doing what was best for _me _at the expense of what was right for her. I closed my eyes, letting the sun warm my skin that remained forever cold…so cold.

My brooding was interrupted, however when a boulder the size of a small elephant landed squarely on my chest, blocking out the sun and creating a crater to dent in the mountainside precisely the shape of my body. I heard Emmett and Jasper's peals of laugher through the rock. Annoyed, I pushed the boulder off of me, launching it into the valley. It smacked into five unsuspecting birds, violently killing them before they even knew what hit them.

_Oops, _I thought.

"Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?" Emmett said, watching the birds fall from the sky.

"Fezzik? Are there rocks ahead?" Jasper said, draping his arm over Emmett's Fezzik-like shoulders.

"If there are…_all birds _will be dead!" Emmett cried, with glee.

"All that lives must die," I muttered, shrugging. "Passing through nature to eternity." Emmett pounced on me. He clunked his forehead against mine five times. "Ow!" I complained painlessly.

"I've got two empty halves of coconuts and I'm banging them together!" he shouted. I punched him with enough force to send him sailing off the cliff face thirty feet to our right. Jasper raced to the ledge and looked down.

"My God…" he said with a laugh. "He's climbing."


	2. Holy Princess Grail, Hamlet!

_**Authors' Note:**_

_Dear Roo:  
You realize that you actually injected plot into our little rant?  
"You're not fooling anyone, you know. Look. Isn't there something you can do?"  
I can only think of one place to go with this... Let's change POV's...  
blondie_

_Dear blondie:  
How 'bout Jasper? Emmett just fell of a cliff. Though a story about him climbing a cliff and thinking British thoughts at it would be hilarious, I think poor angsty Edward needs some Jasper waves of happiness.  
Roo_

_Roo:  
I like it. Happy Jasper, hungry Emmett, brooding Edward.  
blondie_

_Blondie:  
All right. Do you want to go back and forth in a style reminiscent of "Pregnant Vampire Bella Joins the Army" or would you like to write the whole chapter again and just have me fill it with jokes?  
Roo_

_Roo,  
Door number two. It worked well with the first chapter, and I have some ideas about lovely Jasper... give me a sec and I'll send them to you. I have to get all the scripts up again... ha!  
blondie_

_Blondie,  
You're quick! Hee hee! More fun! All right! Continue on please!  
Roo_

_**And thus the adventure continued...**_

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Holy Princess Grail, Hamlet!

**By LindaRoo and blondie**

_Jasper's POV_

I peered over the edge to watch Emmett's ascent. Despite his sublime grace and magnificent strength, he wasn't making the greatest headway. Every time he grasped a rock to use as a handhold, he'd grip it with enough force to crumple it like tin foil, causing him to fall like an anvil. For every inch he gained, he lost two.

"Slow going?" I called over the edge. Emmett looked up, beamed, and began to sing at the top of his lungs.

"_In war I'm tough and able…quite indefatiguable…between my quests I sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable!"_

"Inconceivable," I muttered.

Suddenly, a breeze kicked up and Emmett's head snapped around, his poofy brown hair bouncing in the wind. Bloodlust flared in his pitch black eyes.

"What do your flaring nostrils perceive?" I asked.

"To the north there lies a cave!" he cried, in a loud, ominous voice. "Follow! But follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair! So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty big pointy teeth!" He leapt from the cliff, dropping thirty feet down in to the trees, and took off at a run.

"How easy a bush supposed for a bear," Edward said under his breath.

_I'm just going to have to find myself a new giant, that's all_, I thought wryly.

"Not me," Edward said, smirking, reading my thoughts. "I dote on his very absence." I sat down on the edge, next to my brother, and let my feet dangle in the open void of the valley.

"So," I said, rubbing my hands together, eyes glinting with anticipation. "It is down to you. And it is down to me," My sunny disposition, however, slammed into a brick wall of gloom. Waves of dreariness rolled off of Edward like a fog. I frowned. "You don't seem excited, my little muffin," I said, shaking my finger at him.

"Sorry, didn't mean to bombard you with angst," Edward said darkly.

_You're so cranky when you're hungry,_ I complained silently. _Why don't you go hunt? If nothing else, it will make _me_ feel better. _

He rolled his eyes at me. "Leave me alone. I have a lot on my mind."

_Is that the sound of ultimate suffering I hear? _I asked. _It's not as though your true love is marrying another tonight. Why is your heart making that sound?_

"You know what Bella wants," he said dully. "Wisdom and blood combating in so tender a body, we have ten proofs to one that blood hath the victory. I am sorry for her, as I have just cause…"

I chuckled. _Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while, _I thought_._ I leaned back, eyes closed, enjoying the sun as it created rainbows through my eyelids.

"And what if it were Alice asking you to take her soul?" Edward snapped.

Without pause I answered. "I would take it," I whispered.

"You didn't even think about it!" he said angrily.

_You mocked me once, never do it again_, I thought. But aloud I only said, "You are not the first to ask me that question. I've put a lot of thought into it." My mind drifted back to Carlisle's office in New York last October. _Does it bother you to hear?_

Sadness washed through Edward when I mentioned his time away from Bella, but I waited for his response before I did anything to try and ease it.

"Being that I flow in grief, the smallest twine may lead me." He took a deep breath and succeeded in quelling some of his pain. "Tell me."

I let my thoughts flood to my brother, and allowed him to see how very hard it was for me to return to Carlisle and Esme, with the knowledge that it was _my _snapping teeth, _my _loss of control that had shattered Edward's dream and broken up our family. All that distress over a simple paper cut! Fifty years of practice…and still I was unable to restrain myself. I was weak. Pathetic. Murderous. I'd run away, shocked and ashamed.

When Alice finally found me and convinced me to return, Esme had welcomed me home like the prodigal son, but it didn't take away the anguish or loneliness that came with knowing that _I _was the one who destroyed everything Carlisle had worked for. Each day I wondered if I would ever see my brothers again. Each day I'd grown less sure. It was a terrible time for me.

"I'm sorry Jasper…" Edward's mood was shifting back to sorrow and regret – not something I wanted to feel today.

_Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something_, I thought, chuckling to myself and letting the light feeling spread to Edward. He took another breath and calmed down.

I remembered my discussion with Carlisle then. Sitting with my father in his office was something I enjoyed immensely. Carlisle was the most restful person in my family, rarely feeling extreme emotions in any direction. We could discuss current events, books, philosophy without all the baggage of strong feelings. Our relationship was one of the things that kept my eyes golden, fighting against my true nature.

Carlisle knew how I'd been fighting my guilt at causing so much pain, and tried to ease it. _"It's not your fault, Jasper," _he'd said. I looked at Edward lying shirtless next to me, his eyes closed again. "My guilt changed to anger at his words, Edward – I became furious – at you. How _could _you not only choose a human but choose to _leave_ her human? What insanity convinced you that bringing that sort of temptation into our home was a good idea? And then, when the _inevitable _happened and one of us was tempted more than we could be, you _still _refused to turn her. The good life we had in Forks was ripped away from me and it was _your _fault." Calmly I focused on him, waiting for his reaction.

"I know not how to pray your patience, yet I must speak. Choose your revenge yourself, impose me to what penance your invention can lay upon my sin; yet sinn'd I not but in mistaking." He looked at me now, seriously. "Continue, please."

It'd been so long since Edward and I had just talked; even though the subject was grim, I smiled. _I've missed you, brother,_ I thought. His mood lightened a bit more without my help.

"It took only a few choice words to let Carlisle know my displeasure with you – and I'm sure you can guess his reaction. As always, he suggested that I look at things from your point of view. He's gotten a lot of use out of that psychology degree in the last few months…" I chuckled.

"_I know it's a stretch, but what if Alice were asking you to change her? And remember, Edward believes that he'd be dooming Bella to a hellish existence…" Carlisle had said._

"And so I tried to imagine what you went through, Edward, I really did. I thought back to Phoenix, seeing Bella broken." Edward's pain overwhelmed me for a moment, and I stood and moved away slightly. The increased distance diminished his effect on me. "I tried to see Alice in that position, bleeding, dying. So close to the heaven you believe exists." Now my own sadness filled me. "And I understood."

"Then she is well, and nothing can be ill: Her body sleeps in Capel's monument, And her immortal part with angels lives," Edward whispered. I turned back to him now, shaking my head.

"I understood, Edward, but I did not agree," I said. _I thought you were dead once and it almost destroyed me. I could not bear it if you died again, not when I could save you._ "If put in the same position you were, I would save Alice, I would give her the heaven _she_ desires: the heaven we share when we are together. There can be no greater happiness for either of us."

I turned to face my brother, now calm with the thought of Alice's permanent presence in my life. Edward glared at me defiantly but said nothing as I continued.

"You must understand my position, too. I feel the joy you do when you are with Bella, and how you feel selfish for wanting her. You know how she fills you, how she makes you live again when you're together - but you don't see the change that comes over her. You affect her just as much; she becomes a different, more complete person when she is with you." _You truly love each other, and so you might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the storybooks say,_ I thought. Edward winced.

I shook my head in amazement as I remembered the last time I saw Bella 'bloom' when Edward entered into her presence, and he inhaled sharply. "I also feel _her_ joy, brother, and it is the same. Heaven isn't some far away place to Bella. _You_ are her heaven, Edward, just as she is yours." As I spoke the words I thought of _my_ heaven, my beautiful, exuberant, dark haired heaven, and couldn't keep the feeling inside.

Edward smiled. "And I'll be sworn upon't that he loves her."

My face then lit up, "This is true love. You think this happens every day?" We laughed together freely, and I knew that Edward would consider my words over time. Maybe someday he would come to accept that Bella _was_ his forever…his heaven.

A loud grunt distracted us and I sauntered over to the cliff's edge again. Emmett's voice floated up, "Yapping on all the time…"

"Has it been fifteen minutes?" I teased. As the words left my mouth Emmett pulled himself up hard and flew up over the edge, dragging a giant mass of fur after him. I ducked out of the way just in time.

"So, you think you could out-clever _me_ with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey-bottom biters." Emmett replied swiveling his hips wildly. As his smile widened, we could see his eyes were now bright butterscotch.

"Emmett…" Edward said incredulously. "Please tell me you didn't just drag that dead grizzly all the way up the mountain. What are you planning on doing? Taking it to a taxidermist? I don't think Esme will approve of changing the décor of the mansion to a "hunting lodge" theme…"

"But it's not _quite_ dead yet," Emmett said brightly, throwing the bear before us with a flourish. "The blood's still warm and there's plenty left! Drink up me hearties!" The bear, which was incapacitated by Emmett's venom, was groaning in pain.

"It's only _mostly _dead," I realized. The bear moaned again. At once the wind shifted, and the scent of the blood snapped my attention. Unthinking, ruled only by my thirst, I leapt on the bear, tearing through the loose fur with my hands, exposing sinew, nerves, blood vessels. I snapped my teeth through the first artery I saw. As the blood flowed down my aching throat, I felt the warmth fill me like a drug. It was as though my hand had been on fire and I'd reached into a bucket of icy water. I closed my eyes and felt the blood begin to seep into my dead veins, bringing them back to life, nourishing me. I wiped my mouth on my sleeve and rolled away, content.

"You will not be mortally wounded in vain!" Emmett said to the bear. He reared back his huge head and launched himself onto the bear, feeding like a shark. As he fed, his satisfaction also filled me, like warm brandy at the end of a large meal.

I looked over at Edward, the only one whose eyes were still dark. "Help yourself," I said to him. His thirst was building…

"Clamorous harbingers of blood and death," he chuckled.

"Hurry!" Emmett cried. "He'll be stone dead in a minute."

"Then I should quickly get myself _red-hot with drinking_," Edward said. I could see that the smell had gone to his head. The frenzy was beginning. He sauntered forward to join in the feast. At that moment, however, his head turned, as a new scent caught his attention. His eyes fixated on a point in the woods, five miles away from where we stood. He cleared his throat, black eyes sparkling.

"I stand on sudden haste," Edward said. "God ye good morrow gentlemen!" His expression turned wild as his face with thirst. "I drink the air before me! O proud death! What feast is toward in thine eternal cell! Don't wait up! I'll _be bloody, bold, and resolute_ when I return!" Edward took off running like a cougar, bounding down the hillside in a bronze-haired flash of rainbows and glitter. Emmett and I stared after him.

"There will be blood tonight," I said, draping my arm over Emmett's shoulders.

"Bring out your dead," he dead-panned.


	3. Chapter Five No Three, Sir

_Authors' Notes:_

_Dear blondie,  
Wow! That last chapter was DEEP. I know that with Jasper, everything HAS to be all tortured and emotional…but…geez. How on earth are we supposed to get it back on the funny track?  
Roo_

_Dear Roo,  
That's SO easy – we're switching to Emmett's POV, right? How can it NOT be funny?  
blondie_

_Dear blondie,  
YAYS! I love Emmett. Well, since Edward's run off to God knows where, are Emmett and Jasper going to engage in a battle of the wits?  
Roo_

_Dear Roo,  
A battle of wits… Excellent! OOOO even better – how about a naked battle of wits? I can't wait to see how that turns out…hehehe!  
blondie_

_Dear Blondie,_

_You know how I love to get those Cullen boys naked. In a purely PG-13 sort of way…of course._

_Roo_

_**And so our story continues along its twisted path…**_

**Chapter Five… no three sir**

**By LindaRoo and blondie**

_Emmett's POV_

Edward madly streaked down the lush mountainside at the speed of an unburdened African swallow. For once, his carefully guarded demeanor was gone, and he ran wild, uninhibited, and completely ruled by his primal instincts. Perfect in his dexterity, flawless in the pursuit of his unsuspecting victim, he dashed down the slope, leaping with the unerring concentration of a cheetah. For a moment, he gleamed like a multi-faceted diamond as the sun hit his shirtless skin then—in a blinding trail of light—he was gone. I smiled. It was good to see my brother happy.

Basking contentedly in the hazy warmth that only comes after chowing on large quantities of irritable grizzly, I relaxed, leaning casually against Jasper's towering frame. He used the opportunity to grab my arm and flip me over his shoulder, in an odd Hopkido move that he must have learned from watching bad martial arts films in the seventies. I landed flat on my back, the wind knocked out of me (not that I needed the air). The force of the throw compressed the earth beneath me, leaving another perfect body-shaped indentation, a twin angel to the one Edward had left moments before. "Uhhhh..." I groaned, rubbing my head. Jasper grinned.

"What did this do to you?"he asked innocently, pursing his lips. "Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest. How do you feel?"

"Tis but a scratch," I said mildly, sitting up. I sprung to my feet, excited by the provocation. "Surrender!" I thundered.

"You wish to surrender to me?" Jasper taunted. "Very well then, I accept." He began to walk away.

I dashed around and stood face to face with him. "You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine."

"I give you full marks for bravery," he said, eying me warily. "Don't make yourself a fool."

"_Brave brave brave brave Sir Jasper_!" I sang obnoxiously, sidestepping carefully, staying just out of reach. "_He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed to a pulp, or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken_."

A low snarl emitted from the back of Jasper's throat, and he began to look like the Civil War killing machine he once had been. He crouched low and began circling me, curling and uncurling his fists. "The first thing you will lose will be your feet below your ankles. Then your hands at the wrists, next your nose," he growled.

"_To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away and his limbs all mangled, brave sir Jasper_!" I continued to sing out (purposefully off key. Like any vampire I was perfectly capable of carrying a tune. I just usually chose not to).

"The next thing you will lose will be your left eye, followed by your right!" Jasper fumed, still circling me, keeping a careful distance.

"_His head smashed in and his heart cut out and his liver removed and his bowels unplugged and his nostrils ripped and his bottom burned off and his penis…"_ At that moment a blurring of sparkling skin and blond hair rushed up against me, pounding my chest with granite fists. My brother kicked my legs out from underneath me. I grabbed onto him, and together we went tumbling down the mountainside, hurling boulders and insults at each other the whole way.

"Miserable vomitous mass!" Jasper yelled. A rock painlessly hit my head and broke into a thousand tiny bits.

"Son of a silly person!" I shouted. Mid-roll, I uprooted a small tree and threw it like a javelin. Jasper dodged it.

"Warthog-faced baffoon!" he jeered.

"I fart in your general direction!"

"Hippopotamic land mass!"

"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!"

"Queen of Putrescence!"

"Bet you're gay!"

"Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck!"

"I burst my pimples at you!!"

We came to a sudden stop, landing smack dab in the middle of a shallow stream with a _sploosh_. Not wasting a second, the two of us picked ourselves up ran at each other, meeting with a crash that sounded like two freight trains colliding at full speed. The earth shook beneath us. As I was the larger locomotive, the lanky empath fell beneath my weight with a gurgling groan. I pinned him onto his back, holding his head underwater, giving him the noogie of the century.

He struggled against my knuckling, but it was no use. In this position, brute force was the key and goodness knew _I WAS _the brute squad. He strained against my weight, but I didn't let him budge. At long last, he went perfectly still, our signal for surrender. I let him up, and he inhaled with a long gasp, as though he'd just emerged from a pit full of lightning sand. He sat, drenched in the cool mountain water, and shook out his hair. Droplets flung from his golden head.

"You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight," I chortled, sitting back.

"I can't compete with you physically," he moaned.

"Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble!" I triumphed brightly, jumping off of him.

"I just figured why you give me so much trouble," Jasper groaned as he peeled himself out of the mud. "I haven't fought just one person for so long. I've been specializing in groups. Battling gangs for local charities, that kind of thing." He stretched his arms overhead and laughed.

Even without his annoying gift, his laugh was still contagious, and I joined him, my guffaws echoing off of the foothills. I offered him my hand and pulled him out of the river. My jeans were drenched.

"There's some lovely filth down here," I said, scratching my nuts. "Yow, my undergarments are soaked. Wanna go commando in the wild with me while they dry?" Jasper laughed.

"We'll face each other like God intended," he said in agreement. We peeled off our wet things, wrung them out with enough force to get them nearly dry, laid them out on some dry, dark rocks, then sprawled out, sparkling in the sun. Lethargic after the sudden burst of adrenaline (or whatever the vampire equivalent was), we closed our eyes and lay, listening to the sounds of insects buzzing and the bubbling of the river.

"So how was it that you managed to cheer up our brooding baby brother?" I asked, after we'd soaked up some radiant heat for a good period of time. "Did you bombard him with waves of ecstasy or promise to call Mike Newton and say 'Ni' to him?"

"Nah, we just talked, that's all," he replied quietly. His expression was pensive. I frowned.

"What were you two talking about, any way?" I probed. "Outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society?"

"I'm surprised you have to ask," Jasper said, rolling his eyes. "It's so simple." He gave me a meaningful look.

"Ah." I said, catching on. "I'm guessing a short, clumsy, human girl is about to be mentioned. Why can't that boy just bite her and get it over with? They love each other. What's so hard about that?"

"You mock his pain," Jasper said, disapprovingly. "Cut him a little slack, why don't you? He's gone through so much anguish in the last year. You could at least offer some sympathy."

"It's hard to be sympathetic of the hundred-and-six-year-old-virgin when his agony is self-induced," I complained. "Their relationship is like elementary school soccer. They chase each other around, tripping over their own feet, getting frustrated and worked up, but in the end, no one ever scores." Jasper scowled at me.

"I'll explain. And I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand. There is more to life than sex," he said. "Romantic relationships aren't always physical. There are mystical and spiritual elements as well. Edward and Bella are joined by the bonds of love. You cannot break that, not with a thousand swords. For them, it's enough."

"Enough to bring about some spontaneous combustion," I grumbled. Jasper made no reply. We continued to lay there for a while, silent. The afternoon glow began to turn more golden as the sun gradually dropped nearer to the horizon. Presently, Jasper spoke.

"We should go back to the beginning. When the job goes wrong, you go back to the beginning." He tilted his head to one side. "Come on. It's getting late. Edward will probably be waiting for us up there."

"All right then," I said, jumping up. We donned our dry (albeit somewhat stiff) clothing and started up in the direction we'd come. Within moments, we'd reached the top alive (in the loosest sense of the word "alive").

"What are we going to do about _that_," Jasper asked, waving his thumb in the direction of our furry leftovers, once we'd reached the cliff where all the insanity had begun. The national forest's "leave no trace" policies were nothing compared to Carlisle's.

"Oh, I can't take him like that," I said mildly. "It's against regulations." _I hauled the thing all the way up here – he could at least help clean up…_

"Fine," he said. "I'll help." He tried to lift the bear, but wasn't having as easy of a time as I had. It wasn't so much its size but its awkward shape that made it hard to move. He couldn't quite get a good grasp of it. "If we only had a wheelbarrow," Jasper muttered. "Could you give me some help?" But I was too busy singing to myself to take notice of him.

"_We're Knights of the Round Table. We dance whene'er we're able. We do routines and chorus scenes, with footwork impeccable. We dine well here in Camelot. We eat ham and jam and spam a lot_," I belted out with gusto, dancing a jig that would have put Michael Flatley to shame. Jasper glared.

"Look, I don't mean to be rude, but this is not as easy as it looks, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me." He attempted to haul our snack by its deceased foot. "You are the worst singer I've every heard, you know that?"

"It's a blessing! A blessing from the Lord!"

Jasper continued to struggle. After awhile he gave up. "Fezzik! I could use some help here!" He said desperately. I strolled over and kicked the drained carcass. It fell rapidly down, bouncing once on a piece of rock that had jutted out. "Aaaaassssss youuuuuu wishhhhhhhh…" he called after it, before it splattered at the bottom. "Good. Only we are strong enough to go our way.

Edward still hadn't returned, so we sat at the edge, admiring the glorious sunset view, as our shadows grew longer behind us. "You never actually told me what you and 'Sir Galahad, the Chaste' were discussing," I said, with realization.

"Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up." Jasper thought for a moment. "He asked me if I would change Alice if our positions were reversed."

"Whoa there… would you?" I was curious, now. The details of Alice and Jasper's relationship were so private, yet at the same time their feelings were so obvious.

He didn't blink his sunflower colored eyes as he spoke. "Yes, I would."

"Silence, foul temptress!"

Jasper rolled his eyes. "Well, would you? Would you change Rosalie if she were human?"

"I don't know. I've never thought about it. I suppose I'd give Rose whatever she wanted." He shoved me, but couldn't knock me over.

"That's too easy. In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits," Jasper said softly, raising his eyebrow at me.

"Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid," I snickered.

"What if it were in your power to make Rosalie human again? Would you do it?" A sly smile crossed Jasper's face as I began to frown. "The battle of wits has begun."

Being human was the one thing that Rosalie wanted more than anything – even more than she wanted me. If I could give her that gift, and possibly lose her…

"Please... please, I need to live," Jasper crooned, imitating Rosalie's voice just a little too well…

"I order you to be quiet! I'm trying to think," I grumbled. Jasper looked amused.

"Am I going mad or did the word _think_ escape your lips?" he asked, arching an eyebrow.

I scowled and pressed my fingers to my temples, trying to sort my options. If I could somehow change Rose back to being human, there would be no question what she would do first. I could only hope that she would be kind enough to head to the sperm bank in Seattle, and not jump the first human male she saw… but she would be pregnant inside of a week, of that I was certain. My eyes closed as I tried to imagine her, pink, round, and joyously happy. Filled with so much of the human blood I'd avoided for so long. Edward's problems started to come into sharper focus now.

"You just shook your head -- that doesn't make you happy?" Jasper smirked, feeling the conflict filling me now.

"Oh, don't be such a baby," I grumbled.

Rosalie's face grinned back at me in my mind, and I heard not only her heart beat, but also that of the new life inside her. "Emmett, it's a boy," she whispers gleefully, and some how that bothered me. _My replacement…_

She would be so different afterwards, a mother now, aging, caring for her child. I would fade out of her life, and the thought pierced me. _But it would be what she wants, how could I deny her?_

Jasper put his face in his hands. "I'm sorry Em, I didn't mean to make you so sad. I think no man in a century suffers as greatly as you do."

I took a breath and shook off the thought. Jasper had made his point, though. "Sorry...I'm afraid when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away." I managed a smile. "But I see what you mean. I guess I _should_ cut Edward a little slack."

Jasper suddenly looked up, and a grin spread over his face.

Before I could speak, I was pummeled with a volley of pinecones. "Auuuuuuuugh!"

Edward came to a sliding stop next to Jasper, gleefully throwing himself to the ground next to us. "First, I ask thee what they have done; thirdly, I ask thee what's their offence; sixth and lastly, why they are committed; and, to conclude, what you lay to their charge."

Jasper pointed at me, eyes twinkling wickedly "I've out-thought Vizzini."

Edward laughed, "Who have you offended, masters, that you are thus bound to your answer? This learned constable is too cunning to be understood: what's your offence?" He peered at me, brow furrowed. Suddenly, his eyes widened.

"Pregnant vampire Rosalie joins the mom squad?" he exclaimed.

"That's the worst thing I've ever heard of," Jasper said with disgust.

"Now look here, my good man" I started. "You have to admit that even pregnant she was still the most beautiful woman in the world."

"Maybe," Edward allowed, "but what about after?"

I stared at him, trying not to hear his words, but the image came anyway. My Rose, tending her child, her body worn from time, work, and… breastfeeding… "Nooooo," I moaned, as both Edward and Jasper broke into raucous laughter.

Jasper caught his breath first. "It is true, there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. 'Twould be a pity to damage _hers_."


	4. Inconceivable Midsummer Knight Shrubbery

_Authors' Note:_

_Dear blondie,  
We need to wrap the story up with this chapter. We're almost out of quotes. Well...not Shakespeare quotes... There's plenty of those left... But how many more quotes can possibly be left from that awful Monty Python movies?  
-Roo_

_Dear Roo,  
I think you're right...the only thing we didn't do was make the boys go find a shrubbery. I guess the hunting trip will end here.  
-blondie_

_Dear blondie,  
Everyone keeps telling us that the want the story to go back to Edward's POV again...rolls eyes Apparently all our readers are either so in love with Edward that they crave the sound of his voice, or they've realized that writing from his perspective is what YOU do best.  
-Roo_

_Bad, Naughty Roo,  
That is just an afrnomical (Roo's word) understatement. But I think Edward's POV could lead to a nice conclusion – if we throw in a good dash of Emmett's imagination… and sex… that's always popular.  
-blondie_

_Blondie,_  
_Then Edward's perspective it is! Write on, my fair lady!  
-Roo_

_**And thus concludes our epic story…**_

_Back to Edward POV:_

Inconceivable Midsummer Knight Shrubbery

The difficulty with being a mind reader is that all beings capable of rational, factual thought (be they immortals, sons of men, or odious canine lycanthropes) are also capable of fabricating whatever weirdness their minds happen to conjure. This leaves me with the difficult task of not only sorting fact from fiction, but of putting up with certain mental images that are just plain…well…wrong. _Swift as a shadow, short as any dream; brief as the lightning in the collied night, that, in a spleen, unfolds both heaven and earth, and ere a man hath power to say 'behold!' the jaws of darkness do devour it up: so quick bright things come to confusion._

Unfortunately for me, the vivid and life-like image that popped into my extraordinarily _screwy_ brother's head was that of Rosalie in front of a mirror. This by itself would be nightmare enough, but he'd devised a way to turn the merely obnoxious into the freakishly repulsive.

The Rosalie in Emmett's mind was no svelte goddess. Instead, she had become a forty-something year old, age-worn and tested by time. Had she accepted the natural beauty of motherhood (laugh lines, silver-streaked hair, and a soft, full figure), she could have been quite attractive. However, this vain woman, having rejected eternal youth and beauty, was trying desperately (and unsuccessfully) to get it back. Her hair had been dyed and permed so many times that it'd lost its natural sheen. The wrinkles on her face were filled in with a cakey layer of foundation, and a layer of "muffin top" baby fat protruded from just above the waistline of her too-tight low-rise jeans. Emmett gasped in horror.

_But…I don't want any of that,_ Emmett thought, bug-eyed and repulsed.

"But…I don't _want_ any of that," Emmett said, immediately after.

_How shallow,_ Jasper thought condescendingly. _To limit your love based on exterior packaging? It's simply inconceivable. My soul cries for my lover. Together we fly through time and space, and I feel her love rushing around me. I've found the love of make-believe and fairy tales. Ours is the love of legendary passions. Her name is written on my heart. No matter how changed her body was, our souls would still be joined. _Out loud, though, he quietly said "I would not say such things if I were you…"

_Edward actually WANTS Bella to grow all old and icky,_ Emmett thought incredulously.

"But Jasper! Edward actually _wants _Bella to grow all old and icky," Emmett said, wincing at me.

Jasper's thoughts were oozing with discomfort. "I WOULD NOT _THINK_ SUCH THINGS IF I WERE YOU!" he growled.

His warning came too late. Unbidden, a hobbled image of a frail, hunched, white-haired Bella Swan punched into my mind from Emmett's. She was walking down the hall of the nursing home, her knobby hands clutching a rolling walker. A pair of thick glasses rested across the bridge of her nose, and she wore fuzzy pink slippers. Even as a great-great grandmother, the sight of her made me smile. She was the cutest little old lady I'd ever seen.

"_Now where's that rotten vampire gone off to again?"_ she croaked to the nurse, who was walking down the hall with her.

"_There's no such thing as vampires,"_ said the nurse (who obviously thought Bella was senile).

"_Bah! Try telling that to those royal shuffleboards up in Sicily!" _retorted Bella (who obviously _was_ senile).

"_I'll make sure to do that,"_ the nurse said patiently, humoring her.

"_Great. You know, I was once a werewolf. A mighty mighty werewolf. Fought llamas in L.A. you know. Rarrrrrr."_

"_Isn't that nice?"_ said the nurse. The scene ended abruptly, though, for Emmett couldn't focus on making Bella look old for very long. Before you could say "Vile Mike Newton," the mental image had switched to a geriatric Rosalie, whipping off her shirt to reveal a set of ta-tas that hung so low she could have tucked them into her pants. I yelled, outraged.

"Help me, Lysander, help me! Do thy best to pluck this crawling serpent from my breast!" I shouted, permanently traumatized by Emmett's thoughts. "Ay me, for pity! What a dream was here! Lysander, look how I do quake with fear," I cried, trying fruitlessly to erase the image of Rosalie's jiggling from my mind.

_Huh? _he thought, not understanding or recognizing the Shakespeare line.

"Huh?" he said, not understanding or recognizing the Shakespeare line.

_Must make it stop…must make it stop…_Jasper thought, rocking back and forth. His eyes flew open. "Fezzik! Jog your memory!" he yelled desperately, feeling both my distress and Emmett's shock as if the emotions were his own. "Dream _not _of large women!"

Emmett managed to change the image to the memory of his last tryst with Rosalie (something involving a lime-green leisure suit and the soundtrack to _Caddyshack…_ugh), and for once I couldn't complain. He finally sighed, back to his jovial self. "We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril," he snickered, looking directly at me as the last of his sexual feat flashed through his mind. I grimaced.

Jasper also winced – the emotion accompanying that particular… er…_stunt_… must have been strong._ He's sucked a year of our lives away, _he thought, shaking his head at me."I'm sorry, Inigo," he said out loud. "I didn't mean to jog him so hard."

"Friendship is constant in all other things save in the office and affairs of love," I groaned. I glared at Emmett. "What on earth could have possessed you to conjure such an…er…_unconventional…_ image of Rosalie?"

_Oh don't grovel. _"Oh, don't grovel! One thing I can't stand, it's people groveling. Actually, it was our deep intellectual discussion about you and your still-human girlfriend." My eyes widened. _Hey! Don't blame me! He started it. _"He started it!" Emmett said, wagging his finger at Jasper. He stuck his tongue out at him with a "Thpppppt!"

_That Vizzini, he can fuss,_ Jasper thought, shooting an angry look at Emmett. "Do you want me to send you back to where you were, UNEMPLOYED in GREENLAND?" he said, throwing a shoulder into Emmett with no effect. He made eye contact with me, communicating as clearly as if he was speaking out loud. _Believe it or not, Edward, he was just starting to understand your indecision regarding Bella._

"I understand not what you mean by this," I said, confused. What could a pregnant, human Rosalie have to do with my taking away Bella's soul?

Jasper then mentally recapped his conversation with Emmett. I listened, intrigued. When he finally got around to explaining the hypothetical possibility of giving Rosalie her heart's desire, to somehow make her human again, I understood. Emmett's situation was the reverse of mine, and though he wasn't faced with the choice that I was, thinking about it was nearly as difficult. Rosalie's heart's desire was to be human. Bella's heart's desire was to be a vampire. Though Emmett couldn't give Rosalie what she wanted the way I could fulfill Bella's wishes, considering the _what ifs_ of the situationhad gotten to him to the point that he could empathize.

_Edward, I think I finally did something right,_ Jasper thought, beaming.

I turned to Emmett, who was listening intently to something far away. "You're really going to give me a break, Emmett?"

He smiled. "Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours… but yeah, I'll cut you a little slack."

"I'd become human for her in a heartbeat, if I could," I sighed wistfully. "O, that this too too solid flesh would melt, thaw, and resolve itself into a dew."

Emmett rolled his eyes. "You're a looney."

"Doubt thou the stars are fire; doubt that the sun doth move; doubt truth to be a liar; but never doubt I love," I said forcefully. "I'd leave her to heaven."

He smiled his toddler-like grin for a moment, but then became serious for a change. "Sorry. No can do. One way or another, she is going to join us at the Round Table – you know that is the way it must be. It's already been decided and voted upon, by a simple majority in this case a purely internal affair."

"Good lord," I muttered, interrupting him.

"We don't have a lord," Emmett quipped, eyes sparkling. "We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune…an autonomous collective."

"Truly, you have a dizzying intellect, Emmett," Jasper said, laughing. The mixture of humor and deep conversation brought us to a pensive silence. Our little trio sat perfectly still, each lost to his own thoughts, as we watched the sky grow darker. Before long, the evening star shone in the darkening blue. At long last, stars burst forth into the heavens. I stood, stretching.

"You're ready then?" asked Jasper. I shrugged.

"Doomed for a certain term to walk the night," I said. "Either way, we've dallied enough. Let's be off."

"And the peasants rejoiced. Yay…" Emmett finally said with a wicked grin. He stood, and his head turned again. We all heard the sound of hoof beats below us near the river.

Jasper nodded eagerly. "We must be ready for whatever lies ahead."

Emmett held out his hand to Jasper. "What is your quest?" He asked. His wild, competitive side was now resurfacing.

"To beat a giant," he laughed. "No tricks, no weapons. Skill against skill alone." He crouched down, playfully.

Emmett chuckled. "Oh? Well then! Come see the violence inherent in the system!" He coiled himself back, and then sprung at Jasper, who, on the impact, went sailing off the cliff.

"Alas, poor hurt fowl! Now will he creep into sedges," I sighed. Emmett now held his hand out to me.

"What is your quest?"

"There, gentle _Bella_, may I marry thee," I said, remembering my proposal.

Emmett's tawny eyes grew wide. "You asked her to marry you?"

"Yes I did. Do you know what that means?" I asked slyly.

He thought for a moment. _That she'll be my sister, in one way at least._ _But also that they'll finally…_ Out loud, he said: "It means that you'll finally have…"

In that second I stood and grabbed Emmett's hand, spinning him around like a hammer thrower and flinging him over the cliff.

"…SSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEXXXXXX…" he cried as he flew through the air toward Jasper.

Laughing I jumped off the cliff in a perfect swan dive, enjoying the air whipping through my hair. For a few blissful seconds I flew – my iridescent skin flashing in the waning sunset. I smiled, thinking how a human would probably call me angelic…

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy!" I called to Emmett, from my place in freefall. I passed him in the air. I was falling faster than him, due to the wind resistance against his greater surface area.

The ground came up to meet me, and as it did I caught the branch of a pine tree and spun around it, dissipating the energy of the fall. I flipped off the branch and landed perfectly next to Jasper.

"You feeling any better?" he grimaced, fiddling with his now ripped shirt. _Dammit, now Alice will want to take me shopping…_

"Such tricks hath strong imagination, that if it would but apprehend some joy." I smiled widely. We heard rustling nearby.

Emmett had landed with a thunderclap sound that probably caused a fault line on the other side of the world to shift and ended up lying face down in the middle of a small clearing. He shook with laughter. He couldn't get over the idea that I would ever consummate my love with Bella.

"Edward… Bella… the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock." Another wave of laughter overcame him. "The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big…"

"You asked Bella to marry you?" Jasper was finally catching on, and started to get control of his emotions again. "And…"

I just grinned at him. _Well, what did she say?!_ they both thought loudly.

At that moment, the wind shifted and the smell of elk blood surrounded us.

"My fairy lord, this must be done with haste, for night's swift dragons cut the clouds full fast," I spouted, and headed toward the source of the delectable scent at top speed. The river came into view as well as the elk congregated there, and Emmett screamed, "RUN AWAY… RUN AWAY," scattering the herd.

We all laughed loudly now, delighting in the chase. I quickly targeted the largest buck and flew to intercept him. The buck planted its front hooves and turned away from me, but I sprang in front of it again. _Come now; what masques, what dances shall we have, to wear away this long age of three hours between our after-supper and bed-time?_ I chanted to myself. His heart was pumping hard now, trying to escape me, and the dance quickly came to a violent end. I savored the buck's pulsing blood as it flowed hotly down my throat.

Jasper had also taken down his prey, and drank thirstily. _Well, it's the only way I can be satisfied_, he smirked.

Emmett taunted his buck until the animal charged him at full speed. He easily caught the animal by the antlers, and in one graceful move, landed on his back, snapped the animal's neck loudly. As his teeth found their reward he snickered in his head, _what are you going to do, bleed on me?_

I sat back comfortably, enjoying the feeling of fullness after such a rewarding hunt. Both Emmett and Jasper shared my contentedness, and I knew we could now head home. The thought of seeing Bella again energized me.

"O, I am out of breath in this fond chase! The more my prayer, the lesser is my grace. Let's head back." My brothers looked at me lazily and did not move. I didn't wait for them to get up and started back to the car, kicking Jasper on my way by.

He took a weak swing at me, which I dodged easily. "I did that on purpose. I don't have to miss," he hissed at me.

Emmett then sprang up in front of me – a gleam in his eye. "You didn't tell us what Bella said to your proposal," he said seriously. I took another step toward him and he crossed his arms. "None shall pass!" his voice boomed.

I rolled my eyes – how many more quotes could there be from this horrid movie? "You are a villain; I jest not: I will make it good how you dare, with what you dare, and when you dare. Do me right, or I will protest your cowardice."

Emmett crouched, and in the instant before he sprang I saw his intention. He jumped at me and I dropped down, catching him across the chest and throwing him over me.

Jasper was also prepared, and as Emmett flipped over me, he grabbed Emmett's foot and threw him another ten yards behind us into the river. "You shouldn't go swimming after, for at least, what… an hour?" he laughed over his shoulder.

I grinned at Jasper, and then glanced in the direction of the car. He grinned back… _Ready, Set, GO!_ he thought, and we raced back to the car, leaving Emmett soaking behind us.

I reached the car first, of course, and automatically ducked, seeing Jasper's leap at me through his eyes. He sailed over the car and landed with a smooth summersault. We laughed together again, and when we heard Emmett charging toward us, Jasper quickly hopped into the front seat. "Shotgun!" he yelled.

Emmett came racing up the hill after us, dripping.

"I wanted shotgun!" he yelled.

"Too bad. I was here first!" Jasper said.

"Only because you threw me in the river!"

"So?"

Emmett crossed his arms. "Things like this are decided by a vote. Not by some farcical aquatic ceremony."

"Fine then," I said, my patience growing thin. "I vote that Jasper sits in the front. You're too wet."

"I second that motion," Jasper agreed.

"Two votes to one," is said. "That should satisfy you. Now get in the back." Emmett's expression hardened, defiant.

"Oh yeah? Well take this! NEE! NEE! NEE NEE NEEE!!"

The two of us stared at him blankly, utterly unaffected. Emmett's face fell.

"Aaaauuuughhh?" he said hopefully.

"You're trying to trick me into giving something away," Jasper said in a bored voice. "It won't work."

"You let me have the front seat or…or… I'll attack you with my holy hand grenade!" Emmett growled, yanking Jasper's door open. Jasper yawned, and completely unfazed, attacked Emmett with a blast of lethargy. My ogre of a brother stumbled, his knees giving from underneath him.

"Get some rest," Jasper said condescendingly. "If you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything."

_Oh, all right. _"Fine," Emmett said, defeated at last. He shook the remaining droplets of water from his head and crawled in the back seat. I was glad that my seats were leather, for the amount of swamp water he was pouring onto them would have caused some major mildew problems had they had been upholstered.

I threw my shirt back on and slid behind the wheel. For the longest time no one said anything, as we all enjoyed the memories of our trip silently. Emmett then recalled his unanswered question. _Hey, what DID Bella say to your proposal, anyway?_

"Hey, what DID Bella say to your proposal anyway?" he piped up.

"The savage bull may; but if ever the sensible Edward bear it, pluck off the bull's horns and set them in my forehead: and let me be vilely painted, and in such great letters as they write 'Here is good horse to hire,' let them signify under my sign 'Here you may see Edward the married man.'" I quoted.

"I think that's the worst thing I ever heard. How marvelous," Jasper whispered.

"I-- what?" Emmett said, confused.

"She didn't say yes," I muttered as we approached the Forks town limits.

Both of their mouths dropped open at exactly same time. _What?_ screamed through their minds.

"She didn't say no, either. I told her that if she would marry me, I would change her."

Jasper gasped. "It would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways, inconceivable."

"Oh, Sht!" Emmett swore. "I thought Carlisle was going to do it."

"She wants me to be the one." Jasper stared, and I could tell that he was feeling the full force of my mixed emotions.

"Doesn't she realize how easily you could become a widower?"

"No…actually…she believes in me." I said simply. "She's so…" I struggled to find the right word. "Trusting.

We pulled up in front of Bella's house, as my brothers remained frozen in stunned silence. I looked up at her brightly lit window, happy to see that she was still awake. _What light through yonder window breaks?_ Charlie's mind was silent – he was deeply asleep. I parked the car and hopped out.

"Farewell, sweet playfellows: pray thou for us!" I said with a smile "I will be a bridegroom in my death and run into it as to a lover's bed." Jasper rounded the car and sat in the driver's seat, finally allowing Emmett his heart's desire. Within seconds, I'd scaled the siding on Charlie's house, slid open Bella's window, and entered my personal sanctuary. The awful, terrible, wonderful scent filled my nostrils, but the fresh blood from the hunt was circulating through my previously desiccated circulatory system and I was pleased to find that the pain in my throat was perfectly manageable. Bella looked up at me from the desk, where she'd been reading. Her face was warm, welcoming. I swept her into my arms and tumbled onto the bed with her, feverishly trying to communicate the depth of my love for her. A thrill ran up my spine as I felt her warmth beneath me. I ran my fingers down her face and touched her lips. She gasped, pleased at my enthusiastic reaction to seeing her again.

As our lips met, I heard Jasper finally find his voice, spoken quickly, in a sonic range that would be inaudible to Bella. "Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind."

Emmett laughed as they drove off. "If he marries her, he's going to have to do a lot more than kiss her. And that, my liege, is how we know the earth to be banana-shaped."

_The End_


End file.
